Dying to Be Thin

For people whom have any eating disorders (AN, BN, OSFED, etc.) don't want recovery at this point in their life to talk about their lives without shame.
 
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 Rant About Myself

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TinyRose

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PostSubject: Rant About Myself   2/28/2017, 9:03 am

I am just going to rant about myself because why not?

I haven't gone to the doctor in years and am not diagnosed with any eating disorder and if I had to guess I would say I'm OSFED/EDNOS. Also I cry for no reason? I don't know how to explain it but certain songs or words just trigger me and I either start crying or am really depressed for the rest of the day and I don't get it.

(TW MENTIONS SELF HARM)



I have SH scars on my left arm that are well over a year old and they are totally visible! I get so self conscious about them when I wear a short sleeve shirt and they haven't faded at all. I am terrified people will notice and be freaked out! I tried using make up but it just doesn't work it's ridiculous. I stopped cutting my arms and I don't cut that often anymore but when I do it's my legs because those scars are way easier to hide. Now I usually hit myself repeatedly on my arm or sometimes stomach when I do/say something stupid. Bruises only last for so long. There was one point where I would take a rubber band and wrap it around my wrist I would pull it as far back as possible and then snap it. I would do this many times in a row and it left may arm very swollen and it was so painful. I stopped because I didn't want anyone to get suspicious and even after 3 days my arms were freaking purple.

I'm also afraid I'm bipolar? I don't know it's a possibility because quite a few people on my Dad's side are bipolar and it really worries me. Again I have not been to the doctor in many years so I was never diagnosed with any sort of mental illness. I'm just afraid of what I'm gonna do if I am. My Mom jokes about it all the time saying things like "You're acting crazy better hope you're not bipolar." and then she laughs about it. That's not funny. She also tells me not to cut because "that's what white girls do" like WTF?  I don't know what else to say...

I feel like I am destined to become a fat and depressed failure, but that's pretty much what I am now.

These aren't even problems lol. Just me ranting about how "sad" my life is and how I'm so depressed about drama I'm basically creating for myself. I made myself this way I have nothing to complain about. I'm not sick I'm just as insignificant as a speck of dust. I'm not looking for attention I promise I just wish I had a reason for living.
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Arabelle Rose
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PostSubject: Re: Rant About Myself   2/28/2017, 4:37 pm

Yeah a lot of people seem to think that "rich white girls" only have these issues. I'm a white latina (great grandparents immigrated to Paraguay, parents immigrated to the US) so IDK much about the race part but I am so not rich and when I was at treatment I had no fucking idea how I was gonna pay for it...

I think it may be because rich girls have more money to get treatment so people think it's them that mostly have these kinds of mental health issues. I may be wrong but that's just what I think.

Also those treatment center are so fucking expensive unless my life was at risk I would never go to residential...like I would only go if I was so bad as to need treatment at Denver Acutes ED program, or a MICU (Medical Intensive Care Unit, my psychiatrist mentioned that some girls with anorexia get so bad they have to go there) because I just do not have the funds. Like its ~$1000 a day.

In any case you always have the right to complain! Everyone does, FFS we have Trump as president so yeah...

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Arabelle Rose
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PostSubject: Re: Rant About Myself   2/28/2017, 4:38 pm

Sorry I just totally went on a tangent there lol!

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TinyRose

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PostSubject: Re: Rant About Myself   3/1/2017, 8:00 am

It's fine! Also $1000 a day? That is scary... I'm positive there are plenty of people with ED's who can not pay that wow.
I'm not sure why people think rich white girls have those problems, to be quite honest I have no idea why any of us have these problems. A lot of people never get treatment, some try to recover at home and even though it may work for some that voice in the back of your head is always telling you "you're not good enough." and "you don't deserve food." well that's what I was hearing. I'm not saying it's a bad idea but you need to address the mental issues too and that's where all the problems are. That's why when I saw that anorexia documentary I can't remember the name (I kinda use it as motivation lol) I cringe when they are just stuffing the poor people's faces with food and not even mentioning therapy or some person to help with their anorexic mind. It's a MENTAL ILLNESS that affects your physical self and all they are doing is forcing them to gain like 30 pounds in a month or two and not fixing them. It's crazy but I'm pretty sure they were just in it for the money.

Yeah that upset me haha. I don't plan on getting treatment I feel as if life holds nothing of interest for me to "get better." The only think keeping me alive is my fam, God and the fact that I absolutely can not die fat. If I do die of like a heart attack or something I pray that's it's peaceful in my bed as opposed to the shower or on a rollercoaster or something. Lol see I can go on tangents too.
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Arabelle Rose
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PostSubject: Re: Rant About Myself   3/1/2017, 2:56 pm

I think most treatment centers are in it for the money tbh...

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failingly

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PostSubject: Re: Rant About Myself   4/24/2017, 10:48 pm

this is kind of late but whatever I feel like making friends. I understand how you feel about treatment centers, and I think I know the documentary you're talking about. I "tried" recovery at home and even though I gained weight I hated it every step of the way. My parents wouldn't dare call what was wrong with me an eating disorder because they don't believe in that type of stuff but now when everyone points out that I've gained weight I feel so disgusting. The thoughts were still there and I feel like I'm going to downward spiral again. My only worry is that I've inherited my mom's anemia and she's worried about it too. Ever since I started restricting I haven't been able to cut calories as efficiently as before because I always get lightheaded and I've passed out multiple times after/during a fast. And my mom can tell immediately when I restrict because my period stops. I really hope it's an iron deficiency that I can fix or like my body adjusting to different eating habits because I don't want to worry my parent said but I can't stand the bought of being over 150 lbs. there, that was my little rant thing that no one asked for, you're welcome Smile
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