Dying to Be Thin

For people whom have any eating disorders (AN, BN, OSFED, etc.) don't want recovery at this point in their life to talk about their lives without shame.
 
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 let's talk about it.

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cymmetry

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Posts : 3
Join date : 2017-04-03
Age : 24
Location : usa

PostSubject: let's talk about it.   4/3/2017, 11:27 am

i think it would be nice to have a discussion about our abuse.
i'm the first post in this subforum, so maybe nobody else on here has been abused.
but i have.

my mother has abused me my whole life. every kind of abuse. emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual.
i feel like it's had a huge impact on the person i am today.
her abuse has made me hate myself, try to find control in my life through any means necessary, made me a doormat and people-pleaser.
i don't self-harm anymore, but i did for about 12 years. i never once cut myself for any reason other than her. my legs are so covered in raised scars i'll probably never be able to wear shorts ever again. i have a few small scars on my arms, and places where i've literally chewed my skin off. i have a tattoo covering one of my scars, where i carved "LOVE" into my arm. because i wanted my mommy to love me. i'd like to get tattoos to cover the ones on my legs but i know it will be incredibly painful because the scars are raised.
i once called the police on my mom when i was 18. while i was on the phone i was on the floor being hit and screamed at. i thought finally calling the police would give me a voice. something would finally be done about the abuse. when the police arrived, they spoke to me and my mom separately. i explained everything that had been going on. i wanted them to arrest her or take me somewhere safe. she showed the police officer the toxicology report from when i had tried to kill myself by overdosing a few days earlier and explained that i was a problem child who did drugs and she was struggling to deal with me. she showed them bruises on her arms from an event completely unrelated to me and claimed they were from us fighting. the police believed her. they scolded me for wasting their time, and left me there with her.
my mom has narcissistic personality disorder, a violent temper, and a drinking problem. she honestly thinks all her actions are justified. she's prescribed xanax to calm her down, but she refuses to take it. she thinks people who take pills are weak. she always makes fun of me and my dad for needing psychiatric drugs and painkillers to function.
when she is drunk she gets worse. i've begged her for years to go to therapy, for me. i've told her that because of her, her baby has tried to kill himself multiple times, cut himself for years, and been depressed since he was 5 years old. she still refuses. she talks about my coping mechanisms and mental illness like i'm disgusting and stupid for having them. she even talks about my physical chronic illnesses like they're my fault. through therapy i finally concluded that my mother doesn't love me. love means you put someone else's needs before your own. she won't even go to one therapy session to save my life. she doesn't love me. but that's okay, because my dad does and my partner does, and my friends do.

i was also abused by an ex boyfriend. we dated for over 5 years. he also had an alcohol problem. when he was sober he was mostly nice to me, but often he was emotionally abusive. he was 7 years older than me, and made me feel like a dumb little kid. when he was drunk he got violent. he hit me sometimes. he would scream at me and kick me out of his house in the middle of the night when i wouldn't have sex with him. i once locked myself in my car at a party to protect myself from him, and he tried to punch my windows out. i was forced to drive home drunk at 5 am to stay safe. the next day i heard he spent the rest of the night walking up and down the street screaming and punching things. the neighbours were in an uproar. he never remembered his actions when he sobered up the next day.
he effected my eating disorder a lot. i gained a lot of weight when we were together and binged and purged at his house frequently. he never took my eating disorder seriously. he wouldn't call it what it was. he always called it my "calorie obsession." he didn't care that i purged. he always told me "if you just worked out you wouldn't have this problem."
i got my revenge by losing 45 lbs after we broke up and seeing him at a festival. he had gained a lot of weight. he texted me after i saw him saying i made him feel "old and fat." good.
i still feel like i have to prove i have a mental illness by maintaining an extremely low weight. i've been in recovery for 3 years and i have gained about 10 lbs, but i would just die if my bmi went over 16. it's currently in the 14s and i have no interest in gaining any more.

i want to hear your stories. if it isn't triggering, tell me about your abuse. tell me how it's affected your life. let's bond through talking about our traumatic life events lol.
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